Donald Trump signed an executive order today called “The Gift of Elon”. It announced that Elon Musk will pay every American man, woman and child $1000 in April. This is meant to act as a buffer against expected price impacts of the worldwide tariffs that the US is implementing on April 2, 2025.
Trump’s call upon the richest man in the world to share some of his wealth is expected to cost Musk a one time payment of $340 billion.
Musk, who was in the Oval office during the announcement, was unaware of the contents of this latest Executive Order and lunged towards the President to “give him a hug”, according to White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. Two secret service members intercepted Musk’s intended embrace, and while holding his hugging arms behind his back, walked him out of the Oval office as he danced back and forth, fondly shouting to President Trump “I won’t forget this!” Musk then laughed and shouted out his concern that… “You don’t know how to access my money!”
To reassure Musk, Trump said that “…because of all your good work with Doge, I have all the information I need to find the money. All the data from the government’s secure servers is here on my iPhone. Hmmmm. Has anybody seen my iPhone?”
To ensure that Musk continues to be solvent to meet his new exciting obligation, Trump is opening “…a Tesler(sic) dealership right here on the Whitehouse lawn. And I’m installing one of those electric gas pump things, which will have this extra big sticker.” Trump then revealed a new “Electricity Powered by American Coal” sticker.
When asked about how the government would distribute the funds to American families, Trump said “I dunno… the Department of Health and Human Services I guess.” At this point, the Secretary of Health and Human Services interjected “That department no longer exists Sir”
Trump continued, “Well, that’s probably a good thing, right?! Look, maybe we’ll use the department that hands out critical subsidies to banks and oil companies… “
Press Secretary Leavitt later confirmed that Doge has laid off all staff whose role it was to distribute any money to average Americans. Trump is expected to instruct Elon to rehire some people once Musk has finished his comfortable stay at a first-of-its-kind rehabilitation centre run by the newly renamed “US Department of Re-education.”
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