Trump Calls Disability Access Features a DEI disgrace

(2 minute read) President Donald Trump signed an executive order today calling on all levels of
government and private enterprise to alter all disability-accessible elements in all buildings and public spaces, calling them “...one of the worst examples of preferential treatment in the history of the world”.  

All levels of governments and other enterprises are being ordered to immediately redesignate accessible curb ramps at sidewalks as “Trolleys and Baby Carriage Inclines”, and building access ramps will now be really boring skateboard parks. 

Automatic door openers will have the icon of a person in a wheelchair replaced with a picture of a “white man” using his hip to press the button.  This way, people will know how to use them to open the door while their hands are full, or if they’re simply too lazy to open it themselves.  

Trump added  “They’re also a good thing to use so you don’t have to waste time figuring out which way the door goes. Do you have to pull it?  Push it?  Slide it? Lift it?   How many broken fingers and hands have clogged our amazing medical system because people are perplexed by the operation of these dangerous devices.”  Trump spokesperson clarified that the dangerous devices he mentioned were doors.

Whitehouse spokespeople added that the buttons to replace the current image with one of a large man pressing his hip into the button will be created in China, so when they’re shipped back to the US, there will be a 100% tariff that will be used to pay for the buttons in the first place.  “It’s a foolproof plan!”  At this point, three economists with quizzical looks who were sitting in the Oval Office raised their hands, but were silenced by Trump’s powerful glower. 

In addition, audible crosswalk signals will now be a wolf whistle, and accessible restroom stalls will all have a sign saying “Big Load” affixed to the outside. Accessible bus lifts will remain unchanged since, as the executive order states “... the more people that use the bus means the more space on the road for patriotic, American drivers driving all-American cars.  Drive baby Drive!” 

In a press release from the American Association of Humans with Disabilities (AAHD) they claimed this was an affront to the decades of work to promote the full participation of disabled people in the social and economic sphere of society.   “We’re going to sit down here and not take this!” 

When reached for comment, an unnamed source at the The Disability Rights Foundation (DRF) said “What?!” 

Extra-wide parking spaces in front of shops and office buildings will no longer be dedicated to those with a disability, but instead be designated based on a merit system that doesn’t favour any specific group over any other.  Government officials confirmed rumours that Tesla Cybertrucks are at the top of this ranking.