The land border is on Hans Island, an insignificant uninhabited island, located between Canada’s Ellesmere Island and Greenland (an autonomous territory of the Kingdom of Denmark). This 1.3 km2 trivial island was divided in 2022 between Denmark and Canada after a decades’ long simmering stalemate over who controlled this useless piece of rock. (See story “Canadian PM Drenches Danish PM in Maple Syrup in Hans Row”) After some sticky negotiations, Canada now has control of 59% of the ice covered piece of lifeless granite, or 0.767 km2.
At a press conference, General Teddy Poitier, spokesperson for the Canadian Department of National Defense (DND) said “Every 0.767 km2 of Canada is precious. We will not give up a single blade of grass to the enemy.” The general held up a tray of green lawn and continued, “By the way, we’re going to bring some grass to this island hellscape.”
Every effort is being made to ensure space is used wisely, while allowing the residents to still have all the comforts of home… assuming their home was a soulless, depressing wasteland.
A battalion of 1000 soldiers and 450 support staff will be stationed at the freshly named “Camp Rocher Inutile”. The residents of this inconsequential boulder will live in one of two 60 storey apartment towers. There will also be a 6 story tower for recreation facilities, with each level hosting a true Canadian pastime, such as basketball, curling, Canadian football, hockey, lacrosse and “Birling”, otherwise known as lumberjack logrolling.
There will be modern military facilities, an international airport, and according to the press release “… a big shiny stainless steel dome that will house something so advanced, we don’t know what it is!”
The Canadian Border Services is also setting up a station on the border that will be operational 24 hours a day. In addition, an Amazon warehouse may be built to ensure same day deliveries.
To ensure the successful defense of this purposeless lump of rock, DND is partnering with experts at Memorial University in St. John’s, to use Newfoundland’s homegrown technology for attaching trees to a desolate, storm-battered rock, known as “Terraforming B’ye”. A press release states, “We’ll be attaching 1000 trees; one for every soldier to hide behind.”
Yesterday in the House of Commons, the Minister of National Defense said “In order to accommodate this substantial uptick in military activity, Canada is adopting a wartime economy, and will be nationalizing industries related to building the base and equipping the soldiers.”
An unofficial source who doesn’t want to be identified because they can’t believe how ridiculous this whole situation is, said DND wants to immediately nationalize “Canada Goose” for Parkas, boots and stylish sunglasses, “Tim Hortons” for food, beverages and hockey cards, and “Jean-Coutu Pharmacies” to provide bandages, feminine hygiene products, and prescription Cialis.” The source continued “We want our hardened soldiers to be standing at attention in every aspect of their lives.”
The newly nationalized Tim Hortons will build three restaurants, which is about the same density per metre found in most Canadian communities, so no nobody will be further away than a three minute walk. Two locations will have a full service drive thru. In a later phase of the hopeless island’s development, the construction of a Tim Horton’s Summer Camp is planned.
To keep the forces entertained, the government has also nationalized Canadian Performers, including Jann Arden, Susan Aglukark and Mitsou. They will perform regularly at the 1450 seat “Tim Hortons Centre”
Outside the House of Commons, the Defense Minister said “We will see the first brick laid on this useless rock as early as 2028. In the meantime, we’re sending out a reconnaissance team with a bucket of yellow paint to mark where the border is, and a team with a jackhammer and dynamite to blast a hole for the Olympic sized swimming pool.”
The minister continued “This will bring Canada to 1.999972% of our GDP, just $35,000 short of our commitment to NATO of 2% of GDP.” When asked why the DND didn’t just spend a bit more to reach the goal, the Minister said “We’re watching every Loonie to ensure this is done as efficiently as possible. We can’t just arbitrarily spend money to meet some random target.” When pressed further, the Minister fired up his DND jet pack and blasted out of the Parliament building, scattering the arctic char, poutine, and Tim Hortons Pizza from the all-you-can-eat buffet provided for the four reporters in attendance.
Update: DND has clarified that to exceed the 2% goal of GDP spending on defense, it will build a casino that will cost more money to run than it brings in. DND has reached out to US President Trump for guidance on how to run this Casino.
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