Berlin Crosswalk’s Opaloompa Man Claims 10,000th Tourist

BERLIN — Danny Enright (1 minute read) - Once again, the streets of Berlin were washed in blood, as history recorded yet another victim of the city’s deadliest tourist attraction. The Opaloompa Man has now claimed his 10,000th victim — all in the name of the perfect vacation photo."

The Opaloompa Man — officially the Ampelmännchen — is a jaunty green hat-wearing pedestrian signal figure who has been guiding Berliners safely across streets since the carefree days of East Germany. 

Last night, local authorities confirmed the grim news: a 27-year-old lifestyle influencer from Manitoba was attempting to “get the perfect TikTok” with the Opaloompa Man on Friedrichstraße. Eyewitnesses say she stepped into oncoming traffic for a dynamic angle. A delivery cyclist, three e-scooter bros, and a highly confused schnauzer were all implicated in the fatal chain reaction that ensued.

City officials have tried interventions. Last year, they created a zone solely for tourist selfies with a fake intersection on top of the tallest building in the City, with all the lights set to green and the green Opaloompa Man glowing.  Unfortunately, in market testing, this resulted in 2 serious injuries and a 21 car pile-up since every direction indicated was green.  Police are investigating how the vehicles made it to the roof as there is no vehicle access available.  

City council has proposed a plan to replace the red “do-not walk” Opaloompa signal opposite the green Opaloompa Man, with a skeleton wagging its finger.  Early focus groups indicate tourists would simply pose with that too.

“Perhaps we need to lean in,” mused Britta Klein, a marketing strategist with VisitBerlin. “We could offer ‘Authentic Death by Opaloompa’ tours for thrill-seekers. Package it with a pretzel and a commemorative hat. At least then we’d get the revenue.”

Trump Making Firefighting Great Again

Danny Enright (1 minute read)

President Trump announced on his Truth Social platform that he is mandating all fire-fighting be privatized “...to unleash the power of the competitive marketplace onto the flames that are destroying America.”  

“America is home to the best quality health care in the world, with cutting edge technologies being invented all the time.  Why wouldn’t you want to unleash this power of innovation to help stop fires from burning all of your stuff?”  

When asked by reporters to elaborate on this new mandate, Trump responded “People come from all over the world for our health care.  Maybe they’ll do the same for our excellent private fire protection, I dunno.” 

When asked about the costs, Trump retorted “You’ll save a lot of money on your taxes!  If you want to have fire insurance, you can buy some, but you probably won’t have a fire so no need to worry… it’s like less than a quarter of a per cent, so think of the money you’ll save on your taxes!  It’ll bring them down by like 300%.  Besides, private innovation will probably mean we won't have fires in the future!” 

A reporter asked about the risk of fire coming from your neighbour’s uninsured property, Trump said “You probably should live in a different neighbourhood.  Sounds kinda sketchy to not have fire protection… if you ask me.”

White House Defends Trump’s “Pope Post” as Part of Longstanding Presidential Tradition

 

by Danny Enright (2 Minute Read)

Following backlash over an image of President Donald Trump dressed as the pope—posted just days after the funeral of Pope Francis—the White House pushed back on the criticism, describing it as part of a “long and noble” presidential tradition.

“The media appears to have short memories!” White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt remarked sharply at a briefing Thursday. “While some in the phäque media slander our great leader President Trump, they conveniently ignore the precedent set by previous Presidents.”

Leavitt then presented a 2022 image of President Joe Biden, shared shortly after the death of Queen Elizabeth II. (Seen at the top of this story)  “Remember this respectful image Biden posted?” she asked, gesturing to a slide projected behind her. “No FactsNews media outrage then.”

At the time, then-Senator-elect J.D. Vance dismissed criticism of Biden’s post. “As a general rule, I'm fine with people telling jokes and not fine with people starting stupid trade wars that hike inflation and put thousands of my countrymen out of work,” Vance said in 2022.

Leavitt next displayed an image of President Barack Obama in a NASA space suit, standing on the moon. “Barack Hussein Obama — our first African American President — honored Neil Armstrong—our first honorary ‘Moon-American’— in 2012 by posting this touching tribute,” she said. “Some objected, but Donald Trump, then a private citizen, defended him at the time: ‘Some people just can’t take a joke! Melania thought it was cute. NASA and people who live on the moon loved it.’”

According to Leavitt, the tradition of presidents depicting themselves as deceased public figures dates back decades. “It goes all the way back to Jimmy Carter,” she noted, referencing a little-known photocopied drawing of Carter dressed as Elvis Presley, allegedly circulated by White House staff in 1977. “The image, held at the Jimmy Carter Library, is part of presidential lore.”

In an unexpected historical twist, Phäque News Archives also uncovered a rarely seen 1948 image, reportedly showing President Harry S. Truman modestly dressed as Mahatma Gandhi, shortly after Gandhi's assassination. Though its authenticity has been debated, some historians believe it was the inadvertent origin of this curious presidential tradition.

“People forget history,” Leavitt concluded. “President Trump is simply honoring a longstanding and bipartisan legacy.”

PM Carney Wows Trump with Fact Beaver

Danny Enright (2 minute read)

In an unexpected—and unusually informative—moment in the Oval Office today, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney introduced U.S. President Donald Trump to a unique member of his official entourage: The Fact Beaver.

The Fact Beaver, a Canadian government creation since 2019, is a puppet AI rodent engineered by a multidisciplinary team of Canadian scientists, statisticians, zoologists, linguists, ventriloquists, and taxidermists. The beaver’s role is to replace untruths with facts. 

During a media availability with President Trump and his cabinet, Prime Minister Carney remained mostly silent, sporting slightly parted lips and a static half-smile, while the Fact Beaver, perched on his right hand, provided reality-based clarifications, known as "facts".

“Ever since we started subsidizing Canada to the tune of $200 billion a year…” Trump began, before the beaver jumped in with a firm, “The U.S. does not subsidize Canada in any way.”

The President appeared briefly taken aback before chuckling, “Isn’t that the cutest thing!?” Turning to the rodent, he continued, “Well listen here, you cute little guy, I’m talking about how much more we buy from you than you do from us.”

The beaver responded—with a slightly muffled voice as Carney stared ahead with a tense, partially opened mouth—“Canada’s trade surplus with the U.S. is $35 billion, and $90 billion of that is the oil we sell you at a discount. Exclude that oil, and Canada actually imports more U.S. goods than it exports.”

Senator JD Vance, agitated, interrupted: “And when are you going to say thank you? You haven’t once said thank you!”

To this, the Fact Beaver switched languages and replied with a chipper, “Bien sûr! Merci beaucoup Monsieur JD Vance et Monsieur Président Trump,” spoken in a distinct English accent that closely resembled Carney’s.

This charming moment softened the mood in the room. “Can you believe this little furry thing?! It even speaks French!” Trump exclaimed. “It’s got all these facts it just keeps blurting out! I gotta get me one of them.”

Later, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt clarified the President’s comments. “When the President said he wanted a rodent that fact-checked him, he meant he did not want one.  We don't need any Canadian fact-checking beavers!" 

Elon Musk to Help Reduce Cost of Living Crisis

This is not a real picture of the event.

Danny Enright (3 Minute Read)  

Donald Trump signed an executive order today called “The Gift of Elon”.  It announced that Elon Musk will pay every American man, woman and child $1000 in April.  This is meant to act as a buffer against expected price impacts of the worldwide tariffs that the US is implementing on April 2, 2025. 

Trump’s call upon the richest man in the world to share some of his wealth is expected to cost Musk a one time payment of  $340 billion.  

Musk, who was in the Oval office during the announcement, was unaware of the contents of this latest Executive Order and lunged towards the President to “give him a hug”, according to White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt.  Two secret service members intercepted Musk’s intended embrace, and while holding his hugging arms behind his back, walked him out of the Oval office as he danced back and forth, fondly shouting to President Trump “I won’t forget this!”  Musk then laughed and shouted out his concern that…  “You don’t know how to access my money!”

To reassure Musk, Trump said that “…because of all your good work with Doge, I have all the information I need to find the money.  All the data from the government’s secure servers is here on my iPhone.  Hmmmm.  Has anybody seen my iPhone?” 

To ensure that Musk continues to be solvent to meet his new exciting obligation, Trump is opening “…a Tesler(sic) dealership right here on the Whitehouse lawn. And I’m installing one of those electric gas pump things, which will have this extra big sticker.”  Trump then revealed a new “Electricity Powered by American Coal” sticker. 

When asked about how the government would distribute the funds to American families, Trump said “I dunno… the Department of Health and Human Services I guess.”  At this point, the Secretary of Health and Human Services interjected “That department no longer exists Sir”

Trump continued, “Well, that’s probably a good thing, right?!  Look, maybe we’ll use the department that hands out critical subsidies to banks and oil companies… “  

Press Secretary Leavitt later confirmed that Doge has laid off all staff whose role it was to distribute any money to average Americans.  Trump is expected to instruct Elon to rehire some people once Musk has finished his comfortable stay at a first-of-its-kind rehabilitation centre run by the newly renamed “US Department of Re-education.”  

Cost of Earworms in Canada is Rising

Danny Enright (3 minute read)

SOCAN, the Society of Composers, Authors and Music Publishers of Canada, is being accused of hostile behaviour towards Canadians. With the recent mandated introduction of computer chips into the brains of all Canadians (see in depth story “Only Someone Without a Computer Chip in Their Brain Wonders if It’s a Good Idea to Have a Computer Chip in Their Brain”), they’re now charging a fee when Canadians hear a song in their heads.

SOCAN, a Canadian performance rights organization that represents the performing rights of more than 175,000 songwriters, composers and music publishers, is tasked with tracking the number of times and places the works of its members are performed so that money can be collected to be distributed to members.  

Some are criticizing the aggressive the tactics of SOCAN’s techniques, including the 2017 raid on a Sarnia, ON kindergarten classes for singing “I’s the B’ye”, and the trial of a half dozen Saskatoon seniors’-home choir found mumbling Jann Arden’s “Good Mother” in 2024. In both instances, SOCAN was found in court to be acting within its legal mandate, saying "SOCAN is only doing what’s right and fair for hard working Canadian performers, and thus Canadian culture."

Recently however, the federal Conservative Party has been pushing for a Parliamentary investigation into the way SOCAN has been exploiting the widely-welcomed computer chips in the brains of Canadians. Leader Pierre Poilievre said “We all universally realize the positive benefits of having computer chips placed into the brains of every Canadian adult, child and pet, but SOCAN’s overreach into the private thoughts of Canadians has elevated concerns over where private thought ends and copyright begins.” 

His comments come in response to a news story out of Sussex, New Brunswick where a family was forced to the brink of bankruptcy by SOCAN because their four year old wouldn’t stop humming the Weeknd’s “Blinding Light.”  Alex Mondeau, the father, said “Why do we have to pay the price of someone else’s genius?  Where does the Weeknd’s responsibility come in?  He’s the one that made it so damn singable!  I proposed to SOCAN that they mandate songs to be less catchy, but apparently it's too much to ask for!”  

At this point, Alex’s phone lit up with a warning from SOCAN that this last phrase is from a song on Avril Lavigne’s debut album Let Go (2002).  

“FUCK!” added Mr. Mondeau. 

The next generation of chip that all Canadians are excited to have installed, will feature Canadian content requirements the same as radio stations. If you do not listen to enough Canadian Content, music from Canadian acts such as Nickleback, Blue Rodeo and Crash Test Dummies will be piped into your neural pathways. The royalties due these acts will then be added to your SOCAN bill. 

Trump Calls Disability Access Features a DEI disgrace

By Danny Enright (2 minute read)

President Donald Trump signed an executive order today calling on all levels of

government and private enterprise to alter all disability-accessible elements in all buildings and public spaces, calling them “...one of the worst examples of preferential treatment in the history of the world”.  

All levels of governments and other enterprises are being ordered to immediately redesignate accessible curb ramps at sidewalks as “Trolleys and Baby Carriage Inclines”, and building access ramps will now be really boring skateboard parks. 

Automatic door openers will have the icon of a person in a wheelchair replaced with a picture of a “white man” using his hip to press the button.  This way, people will know how to use them to open the door while their hands are full, or if they’re simply too lazy to open it themselves.  

Trump added  “They’re also a good thing to use so you don’t have to waste time figuring out which way the door goes. Do you have to pull it?  Push it?  Slide it? Lift it?   How many broken fingers and hands have clogged our amazing medical system because people are perplexed by the operation of these dangerous devices.”  Trump spokesperson clarified that the dangerous devices he mentioned were doors.

Whitehouse spokespeople added that the buttons to replace the current image with one of a large man pressing his hip into the button will be created in China, so when they’re shipped back to the US, there will be a 100% tariff that will be used to pay for the buttons in the first place.  “It’s a foolproof plan!”  At this point, three economists with quizzical looks who were sitting in the Oval Office raised their hands, but were silenced by Trump’s powerful glower. 

In addition, audible crosswalk signals will now be a wolf whistle, and accessible restroom stalls will all have a sign saying “Big Load” affixed to the outside. Accessible bus lifts will remain unchanged since, as the executive order states “... the more people that use the bus means the more space on the road for patriotic, American drivers driving all-American cars.  Drive baby Drive!” 

In a press release from the American Association of Humans with Disabilities (AAHD) they claimed this was an affront to the decades of work to promote the full participation of disabled people in the social and economic sphere of society.   “We’re going to sit down here and not take this!” 

When reached for comment, an unnamed source at the The Disability Rights Foundation (DRF) said “What?!” 

Extra-wide parking spaces in front of shops and office buildings will no longer be dedicated to those with a disability, but instead be designated based on a merit system that doesn’t favour any specific group over any other.  Government officials confirmed rumours that Tesla Cybertrucks are at the top of this ranking.